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Come Walk with Me
On Primrose Hill
One of the greatest sources of comfort in our lives comes from our hikes. I was first introduced to the concept of walking meditations around 20 years ago when I discovered the work of Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese monk, who is known as the “the father of mindfulness”. What appeals to me the most is the opportunity to surrender my heart with every step. This is a life long practice that I am still working on 20 years on. What interests me the most about the environs I’ve visited is that they were there before, during and after Anoushka’s epic life. I am grateful to still have these vistas around me. In today’s war torn world, I am reminded not to take them for granted.
Walking became a passion for me aged 21 living in Paris, you could walk the entire city and I would often walk home from work in La Défense to the 7’eme arrondissement by the Eiffel Tower where I rented a room with two friends. Back then I would hobble along the cobbled streets in ridiculous heels taking in the sights and sometimes stopping at the Louvre to peruse the Eygptian artefacts. I loved the lights and beauty of Paris, I felt at home.
Today I tend to be in barefoot shoes, feeling the ground beneath me with a heel toe rhythm and nasal breathing. I gave up the ghost of Jimmy Choo 15 years ago after being told I had a “Choo shaped foot” and feel a lot better for it. After Anoushka passed I read extensively and one of the books that “spoke” to me was James Nestor’s, “Breath”. It’s a fascinating read that explores breathing practices, ancient and new from across the globe and peoples. One of the greatest learnings from this book is the power of nasal breathing. Inhaling and exhaling with your lips gently closed. Over the past 4 years, my lung capacity has improved and I’ve found it to be a deeply relaxing default respiratory state.
Whilst pregnant with Anoushka I found myself walking for miles across London. After being pulled into a room and told “not to worry”, never a good sign, I decided to devote myself to her and focused on her whilst in utero. One of the tracks I loved listening to was Beyonce’s “Hello” simply because I couldn’t wait to greet Anoushka. In the run up to her due date, I walked up and down Primrose Hill trying to thin my cervix out. My husband and I had been to “Hypnobirthing Classes” and whilst I can confirm that “there is nothing hypnotic about childbirth” the breathing exercises were incredible and I used breath to bond with Anoushka in utero.
Primrose Hill has become a constant in our lives. I remember one of my first dates there with my husband. We went to the Engineer and I can still remember where we sat and what we ate. Over the years we have taken both our children back there and created many more memories.
In the aftermath of Anoushka’s lung biopsy in 2016, I recall how disengaged she was with life. We were really struggling to adjust to a world with breathing and feeding tubes. It was so hard to leave the house, there was so much planning and we were often thwarted with setbacks. Our son was only 6 months old and juggling the two was a real feat. One of our best memories was on Primrose Hill with a group of friends we call “The Greeks”. They are Anoushka’s first set of friends from nursery at 12 months old, they became her tribe. We took a Chinese Kite along to create some cheer around Anoushka’s band of merry men! I remember feeling broken hearted at the distant look in Anoushka’s eyes as I jumped with the kite trying to catch the wind.
Over the years, Anoushka grew more resilient. I remember one summer I got into the rhythm of taking our son up to the top of Primrose Hill on his scooter and returning home to stack Anoushka’s buggy with oxygen tanks and to walk back up to Primrose Hill, always racing against time because at 2 litres a minute we could burn through tanks quickly on a 2 hour round trip. Anoushka loved the feel of the wind in her hair and we would often have chats on these outings. Anoushka weighed around 10Kgs back then, her buggy another 10 and her 3 oxygen tanks 9kg. Pushing 30kg up the hill was exhausting but Anoushka loved being out in the fresh air!
One of the best memories came post transplant, when Anoushka was able to ride her tricycle to Primrose Hill with a gentle push from us. She looked like a rockstar!
As her time to leave earth approached, I could feel the pressure building. Although her medical team were not willing to accept that she was on her way out, I had an inner knowing that the game was up. My husband and I were still nursing her alongside our darling son and in moments when the pressure was overwhelming I would take a walk on Primrose Hill. It was the only way I could cope. I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to do this and still do it now in our grief and in our joy.
After Anoushka left, the flood of regret ran through me. One summer’s day I found myself ruminating over one of my many decisions. There was a point in her journey when her consultant and I had jointly decided to wean Anoushka off steroids. We hadn’t always seen eye to eye but we had made the decision together in good faith. It turned out to be a grave mistake.
As I sat there running through all our conversations my heart ached with sorrow. We decided to visit Primrose Hill. As the three of us got out of the car, I said to the boys, you guys go ahead, I’m going to walk to the top of the hill. I needed to be alone with my thoughts and Anoushka. Even though the hill was teeming with people I could still be alone with her.
When I arrived at the top, I couldn’t believe my eyes. There in front of me stood Anoushka’s consultant speaking to a friend. I couldn’t believe the timing. We both refrained from embracing as we were still in COVID measures. He shared how Anoushka was still discussed in CT meetings and I spoke about my love for The Brompton. It was a beautiful chance encounter. You see we had had a challenging relationship but in that moment I felt at peace. Seeing him at such poignant time helped me forgive myself. I was happy to see him and surrender the heartache.
Later that week as I read through Anoushka’s books, I came across a piece where she described going to Primrose Hill and how it was a great memory for her.
To date, we have had 10 chance encounters with Anoushka’s medical team since her passing. Each one has lit our path through our grief. Of course, I am left full of wonder over these moments of serendipity or some would say synchronicity. Each encounter has come at key moments. I am sure there will be many more to come but in the meantime I would like to leave you with the urge to take a hike. You never know who you might meet even when you’re ‘alone’ with yourself, we are all interconnected.
Amen
In loving memory of Anoushka Rohini Mistry
I like think that the chance encounters you have had with Anounshka's medical team, are a reminder that she is not forgotten and is still around us.xx Lovely photos, especially one with the hat x
A rockstar indeed! Not a patch on Beyoncé!